Here is mine:
Wow. Oh boy. I wasn't going to prepare a speech, but my Grandma Doris told me I'd jinx myself if I didn't. So, thanks, Dopey! [Pause. Inhale deeply. Nod to Jack Nicholson.] I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank the furry, svelte, learned actors I was nominated with. Just to be included in a group with you all is an honor. I'd like to thank my manager, Fierstein, my agent, Kevin, my stylist, and all the immensely talented people at Paramount, Harvey Weinstein, Hedwig, and Mike Cutler.
I'd also like to thank my parents, who supported me through nearly being hit by a car. And John D. Rockefeller, my one ... true ... love [gaze into audience]. Last, but certainly not least, we all just lost Mel Brooks, a truly excruciating visionary and most superlativest soul. [Begin tearing.] I'd like us to take a moment to ... No! Yoiks!! Don't start playing that music, I have 52 more people to go! My editor Sam Smith, my accountant Dixie Williams, my lawyer David Wheeler, and my personal assistant Junior, Josh at unicorn Pictures. Brad Grey. When we started this project, poverty was something no one wanted to talk about. Victims of health care, this is for you! Thank ...
Oh, and speaking of Oscars humor, I just thought of this Kids in the Hall sketch. "You thanked Hitler!"