Dear Ashley Wagner:
Shut the fuck up, you insignificant, self-aggrandizing, pathetic little attention whore.[*](Actual headline: Wagner 'speechless' at ladies' free skate results. Oh, how I wish that were really true!) You are an embarrassment to the US figure skating program[*](Which is saying something, since we're also the ones who gave the world Tonya Harding) and the US in general. If this is the way you're going to represent our country, I wish the US hadn't earned that third spot on the Olympic team. Mirai Nagasu is worth twelve of you; give me an athlete with a positive attitude any day.
It's perfectly clear to me what you're doing. Your scores and position weren't enough to garner the attention that you craved; so, much like a spoiled toddler, you decided that if you couldn't be good, you'd settle for being obnoxious. Surya Bonaly would be proud. Actually, knowing her, she'd probably be mad at you for ripping her off.[*](For those not in the know, Surya Bonaly was a French skater notorious for poor sportsmanship. While her behavior was reprehensible, she did have a certain flair for getting her point across without words. For example, when she flipped off the judges, she REALLY flipped off the judges.)
For anyone else who has a problem with the final results, Joe Posnanski says it so much better than I could.
So does Oscar the Grouch.